Men's Health

Intimate Talk

The 101's Of Marriage

By Kate & Peter

KATE : Relationships are a funny thing. You can never tell if it's going to go smoothly or if, after a while, it will hit rough spots that will make or break it. How wonderful it would be if, when you met a potential life-mate, you could gaze into a crystal ball to tell you what the outcome would be! You'd know if you're bound for a life of sunshine and roses or more pain and suffering that you could possibly endure.

Marriage is no picnic - ask anyone who's married if you don't believe me! Since Peter and I got hitched three years ago, we've had many fights that tested the limits of our love and commitment towards each other. Luckily, we've been able to work through them, mainly because we have learnt the art of compromise. Some of our fights have been trivial - such as the famous vacuum-cleaner-as-an-anniversary-present fiasco - but others have been pretty intense as they involved more serious matters such as jealousy or a lack of understanding about each other's priorities.

There have been times when I've wanted to throw in the towel and say, "Ok, I don't need this grief in my life," but ultimately, because we love each other, we've sat down and discussed what we've been fighting about and try to resolve the matter as amicably as we can.

I guess one of the keys to a successful marriage is the willingness to communicate with each other. Peter and I recognise its importance although it has taken trial and error to demonstrate how important it is. Peter is fine with sharing his joys but is a little tight-lipped when it comes to talking about his disappointments. We faced some difficulties a year ago when he didn't get the promotion he was hoping for. Instead of talking about it with me, he opted to suffer in silence - with a spill-over effect into our relationship, of course. Peter would come home moody and silent and when I nagged him to tell me what was wrong, he would insist that he was fine.

I suffer from an over-active imagination and of course I started to believe that he was distant because he was seeing someone else! My fears were compounded when he started losing interest in sex. After weeks of trying to prise it out of him (in which I'd had countless sleepless nights), he finally told me what had happened. Even though I was angry with him for shutting me out, the sight of Peter in tears made me take him in my arms to comfort and appease him.

Peter and I also see marriage as an evolving thing. Just because we found each other and fell in love doesn't mean we'll always be happy. Because of that, we're always working on ways to improve our relationship. We try not to take each other for granted and while we acknowledge our differences, we try to find similar points of interest. For instance, we both love live music and are always talking about music. When we get the chance, we leave the baby at my mother's (no, it doesn’t make you a bad person to take a time out. Besides, grandparents are crucial in your child’s life, but that’s another story altogether) and go out to watch a live band.

While sharing similar interests is important, it is also crucial to respect each other's differences. I may nag Peter occasionally about the amount of time he spends on a golf course but I understand that he is passionate about the game. Because of that, he knows that I won't kick up a fuss if he spends Saturdays on the greens. It doesn't work out too badly for me either.

I take that time apart to catch up with my friends or go shopping. He may complain about the shopping expeditions but I know he prefers it that I do it then instead of him following me around one store after another! If you think that only women nag, you should hear Peter - he'd be worthy of the title Nag King!

PETER: It isn't only women that hope that their relationships will be plain sailing. Men do it too - even if we do not go into it with as much romantic detail as our wives do!

I'm lucky that I'm married to Kate. We've got a marriage that is, on balance, a good one. Sure, we have the occasional monster of a fight and I've been put into the dog house on more than one occasion but in most cases, we've resolved our conflicts quickly and smoothly.

When I first got married, my mother gave me a great piece of advice. She told me never to go to bed with unresolved issues on my mind. She advised me to always take Kate as my confidante because she was, after all, my life partner and that meant that there was nothing that I needed to hide from her. I've tried to heed her advice and it's been good for our relationship.

It's amazing what good advice old married couples can give. Remember the British couple we met in Phuket? We learnt a lot from them too. They taught us that a marriage built on a strong foundation of compromise, respect and understanding is the best kind. Whenever we get into the fighting mode, I remember how loving this couple was and I grit my teeth before calmly trying to sort out our latest argument (by the way, anyone who tells you that they don’t argue with their spouse, are either lying or living in la-la land!). I hope that Kate and I will be as loving with each other when we've reached our tenth anniversary - that's something we're both striving for.

It helps that Kate and I talk to each other all the time. I think that if you keep the communication channel with your partner open, you've already won half the battle. I have a lot of married friends who never seem to talk to their wives. They are always looking for ways to postpone the time that they have to go home. They tell me that they hang out in bars because they have nothing to say to their wives. Thankfully, Kate and I don't have this problem - we'd hate to be one of those silent couples you see dining in a restaurant. You know the old joke about how you can always tell when a couple have been married for a while because they don't talk to each other? It's horrifying how true that seems to be.

I hate to sound like a broken record but yes, I'm going to talk about the importance of a good sexual relationship again! There is no denying that sex is important. Look at the findings of the Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey if you don't believe me! The fact that people all around the world acknowledge that self esteem, confidence and intimacy play an important role in a sexual relationship, must count for something! Kate and I acknowledge the importance of a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship - which is why we're always looking at ways to spice it up. We both believe that pleasing our partner is as important as satisfying ourselves. Because of this, we make efforts to vary our intimate moments as much as we can. I guess you could say that a healthy dose of imagination has made our sex lives more exciting. I'm not saying that there isn't room for improvement, especially when we're both tired or stressed, but on the whole, we don't take each other for granted - in and out of bed.

That's it in a nutshell - the secret to a happy marriage. If you've got that, you're on the pathway to a long and happy life together.

KATE & PETER: Hey, no one said it was easy. But we take it one day at a time and it seems to be working, so it might for you too. Good luck and don’t forget to enjoy the intimacy!

 

Contents

- The Marital Dilemma: 3 Years, Now What?

- What Do Women Really Want?

- What Do Men Really Want?

- Communicating: Is Anyone Actually Listening?

- Showing How Much You Love Them

- Our First Holiday Together - Coping With Each Other

- Spicing It Up

- He Used To Buy Me Flowers, She Used To Be Spontaneous

- The Relationship Quiz

- The 101's Of Marriage