Table of Contents

- The Marital Dilemma: 3 Years, Now What?
- What Do Women Really Want?
- What Do Men Really Want?
- Communicating: Is Anyone Actually Listening?
- Showing How Much You Love Them
- Our First Holiday Together - Coping With Each Other
- Spicing It Up
- He Used To Buy Me Flowers, She Used To Be Spontaneous
- The Relationship Quiz
- The 101's Of Marriage

The Marital Dilemma: 3 Years, Now What?
By Kate & Peter

Peter and I thought that we had the perfect marriage.We had often heard about couples with good relationships that had suddenly deteriorated but we were sure that it would never happen to us.Recently,we've found that there's truth to the proverb "all good things must come to an end".Here's an example of what we mean.

KATE:Peter and I were married three years ago, after a five-year courtship. Last year, we had our first child, Andrew, and it seemed like the fulfillment of all our dreams. We thought we had it all - great jobs, a beautiful home, a loving relationship and the baby we had longed for since we got married.

I'll admit that it's been hard for us to enjoy 'alone' time since Andrew's arrival. After all, an eight-month old baby is a huge responsibility and while I'd like to spend more intimate evenings devoted to Peter, it's a little harder to arrange these days. Admittedly, when we've managed it, its given new meaning to the term 'sexual satisfaction'!

I've heard about how romance dies after a while but I never dreamed it would happen to us. Prior to this, we celebrated the anniversaries of the day we met and our wedding day with romantic gestures - intimate dinners, flowers and lingerie for me and IOU's for great sex and expensive gifts for him - but this year he bought me a vacuum cleaner! Where's the romance in that, I asked him. Imagine my horror when he told me that he's gotten me the vacuum cleaner because I'd been talking about how much we needed a new one! He didn't seem to understand that yes, while I needed it, it was the last thing that I'd thought I would get for my anniversary!

Of course, one can argue that I was lucky that my husband actually paid attention to what I was saying. And yes, he has always put me first, especially when in our bedroom! Once, he even pointed out the results of Pfizer’s Global Better Sex Survey that had appeared in the papers. "64% of men believed that it is important for them to give their partner pleasure," he read out loud with a self-important smirk. I digress but the fact remains that I had organised a romantic getaway for us at a resort and even made arrangements for him to enjoy a game on the resort's 18-hole golf course! It was going to be a weekend devoted to us but after his thoughtless gift (did I mention that it was a vacuum cleaner?), sex and intimacy is the last thing on my mind. Are men really from Mars?

PETER:Perhaps it's because I view things from a male perspective that I believe that Kate is making a mountain out of a molehill. I find it difficult to understand why she is so upset. After all, she kept going on about needing a vacuum cleaner prior to our anniversary so I got her one! For heeding her wishes, I got screamed at and locked out of the bedroom.

After I realised how upset she was, I apologised profusely and even bought her flowers the next day but she's still refusing to talk to me. She locks herself in the bedroom every night despite my efforts to make amends. Honestly, there's no pleasing women. While I may have made a mistake in buying her a practical gift for our anniversary, I've seen the error of my ways and apologised. I really don't see what the fuss is all about.

I can't believe some of the things she said to me during the fight. One of the 'gems' was her screaming at me that she wouldn't touch me now for all the money in the world. I actually think she means it which is really strange, considering she admitted, once, that I was a selfless lover (when I mentioned in passing the results of the Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey. But that’s another story. Maybe women are from Venus! If I had the money, I'd pay for whatever courses that would teach me how to understand women better. I doubt if I'd succeed in learning anything but you can't say that I didn't try then, could you?

Having said that, maybe I was wrong to opt for practicality when choosing the gift but I honestly thought that it was what she wanted. The gift of a vacuum cleaner doesn't mean I love her less, after all. In fact, I was pleased that I was giving her what she wanted but I guess somewhere along the way, we got our wires crossed.

Kate has never been a nagging wife but I think I would prefer that to the silent treatment I've been getting for the past two weeks. It looks as if the sofa is going to be my bed for a while and I'd better get used to it. At least the vacuum cleaner can come in handy!

What Do Women Really Want?
By Kate

So the anniversary issue was resolved. Well, sort of. Peter surprised me with a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings. Ok, with a little nudge from my ever-helpful sister. So all was forgiven....but forgotten? That’s another story. This episode that caused me tears and frustration for Peter, led to me to ponder a few things as we women are wont to do. Could it be my fault? Was I not communicating? Is Peter really clueless when it comes to what I want, even after all these years?

It seems to be the eternal question - men asking each other and their partners what women want and women pulling at their hair in frustration as they try to figure out the workings of a man's mind. It may seem simple and one could come up with the obvious - sex for men and love for women but like most things in life, that's too simple an answer.

Through the years, especially when I was single, I'd try to figure out the answer to the question over drinks with friends. These sessions were usually held following someone's heartbreak so there would be tears and recriminations and in most cases, my girlfriends and I would decide that men didn't want the real 'you'. Instead, they wanted a trophy woman with great ‘assets’, an hourglass figure and nothing between the ears. Yup, bitterness quite often lent support to the statement that all men are dogs!

I no longer think that - at least not most of the time! Peter has his 'dog' moments but he's given me faith in mankind. I've also come to realise that while I may never know what men really want, I can tell you what the fairer sex yearns for. I got the answer fairly simply - as a result of life's lessons, as painful as some of them have been.

I knew what I wanted from a man long before I met Peter. Like most things in life, I fine-tuned my list because of the experiences I'd had with the different men I've dated through the years. You see, I wasn't a novice at relationships when I met my husband. I'd had my share of romantic disasters and by the time Peter came along, I was pretty sure that I knew exactly what I wanted. I'm lucky - Peter comes pretty close to my ideal.

I won't deny that I was as superficial as they come in my younger days. If you'd asked me what I wanted in a man then, I would have said a Brad Pitt-look-alike. I loved pretty boys, the prettier the better! And six-pecs turned me on big time. I figured it was what I deserved anyway because I worked hard to maintain the way I looked and believe me, it was a lot of work! Prior to getting married and the commitments that have come along as a result of it, I was at the gym four times a week. My friends were seldom able to entice me to join them for drinks before I got my workout out of the way!

That's ancient history - the workouts and the superficial assessment of what I desired in a man. Sure, even then it was important that the guy was smart, funny, sincere and honest but if he didn't come with good looks, he didn't stand a chance! After yet another broken-heart because I'd been done wrong by Mr. Nothing-But-A-Pretty-Face, I decided to come up with a list of must-have qualities for my potential Mr. Right. I figured that if I could set goals for everything else, I could do it for something as important as my future husband.

Here's the list I came up with. I'm pretty sure that most women wouldn't say no to a man who fit this bill.

RESPECT: While reading the book ‘Good Loving Great Sex’ by sex therapist Dr Rosie King, I came across her definition of respect and I remember loving it. She said that respect involves a desire for the person you love to grow and unfold, not in a way you see fit or to serve you, but to fulfill their true potential. The words rang true as I read them because I had heard the famous line "Why can't you be more like ....?" too many times in the past. I knew that my ideal man would be someone to respect me as I would him.

GREAT COMMUNICATOR: It isn't simply the ability to wow me with his intelligence or get along with people that put this quality on my list. While intelligence is important, I see communication as the ability to share your highs as well as your lows with your loved one. I've had problems in this area before. Some of the men I've dated have been the strong, silent type who preferred to keep their lows to themselves. I have felt helpless watching the man that I cared for struggle with his problems alone. While I was told that it would not affect our relationship, I watched him slip away after months of misunderstanding that had been caused by a lack of communication. I vowed that it would never happen to me again.

SEXUAL SATISFACTION: Remember Pfizer’s Global Better Sex Survey? It said that 85% of women and 88% of men agree that sex is a great boost to the self esteem. And we all know that a healthy self esteem allows you to be confident and secure. And let me tell you, Peter and I hold our heads up high. The survey also mentions that the women interviewed associated the strength of ‘you-know-what’ to sexual satisfaction. Again, no complains here, ladies & gentlemen. Peter more than lives up to his end of the bargain! Let's be honest - we know and recognise the importance of sex in a relationship. What's the good in meeting a wonderful man if your escapades between the sheets are a disaster? Of course, I don't define sexual satisfaction as merely having great sex, similar sexual interests or matching sex drives alone. Instead, I see it as an understanding of each other's wants and desires and trying to fulfill them. We all know that men have a higher sex drive but that does not negate compatibility. I believe sexual compatibility consists of not being afraid of intimacy and working hard to ensure that your partner is happy with you in bed. If you don't have that, you might as well call it quits.

HONESTY: This would probably appear on most women's lists for obvious reasons. I don't know how many men have told me that this is an over-rated quality while going on to say that white lies are perfectly acceptable. Having been on the receiving end of "I didn't tell you because it would hurt you" quite a few times, I find it hard to understand why men don't realise that it hurts even more when you find out that they have lied to you through other sources. Let's face it, no matter how small the lie, it erodes the trust between two people.

That's it - what women want! Of course, if you asked 10 women to come up with a list, they would have other wants that don't appear on mine. This is, after all, my list - made as a result of my experiences. However, I'm pretty sure that if you took a closer look at the other lists, you'd find the same qualities in the majority of them.

When you think about it, it really isn't so difficult to comprehend why women look for certain qualities. I guess the question here would be: "Are there men that fit the bill''? One certainly hopes so" I know that I got lucky with Peter. On most days, he is the man of my dreams!

What Do Men Really Want?
By Peter

We've all heard it before - that women are from Venus and men from Mars. In truth, there is no denying the fact that men and women have different wants and needs but that isn't to say that their requirements are totally incompatible. When I read what Kate had to say about what women want, I found that we essentially look for the same things in a partner. Learning that I more than satisfied her in bed also led to a more macho strut for a while - hey, a man has a right to be cocky after he's found out that he's great in bed!

That's one of the great things about our relationship - we try to please each other in different ways. However, I'll be the first to admit that men can range from Neanderthal to New Age man. Depending on how evolved they are, they'd come up with different responses to the question ''What do men really want from a relationship?" The classic chauvinist, or in other words, the least evolved specimen from our distant relative the ape, will probably smirk and tell you that he wants a master chef in the kitchen, a slave at home and a sex goddess in bed! I'll have to admit that I've entertained this notion myself - especially when Kate and I have gotten into a fight. I won't deny that I've fantasised about coming home from a hard day at work to find a gourmet meal on the dinner table and Kate pandering to my whims - sexual and otherwise! I guess my fantasies tend to ease the pain when Kate is giving me the silent treatment!

Despite the fact that 'the lord and master' routine never happens, mainly because Kate often comes home later than me, I will say that I want more from a relationship than a woman who looks like a Barbie doll and is subservient to my every need. I think that even the most simple of men would tire of this situation fairly quickly.

While most women do not believe that men are able to think with the head that lies above their shoulders when it comes to the fairer sex, that isn't true. I've had one or two Barbie-look-alike girlfriends in the past and after a while I've been bored with their chatter about shopping, grueling exercise programmes and incessant giggling. While it may not be fair to stereotype, I'll say that beauty is a lot deeper than skin deep. If everything beautiful is only at the surface, I'd rather do without.

My list of qualities for the perfect woman is fairly simple although I'll have to admit that it has undergone many changes as I have matured. From supremely superficial qualities in my teenage years, I've added intelligence, independence, sexual compatibility and great nurturing skills for the family unit as qualities that the majority of men would want from an ideal mate. Like most men, I would admit that it helps if she looks good, is a tiger in bed and a great cook but I've come to realise that the latter two qualities can be learnt or improved over time while the first is only a bonus and not absolutely essential.

Here's what I look for in a woman:

INTELLIGENCE: As stated earlier, I've dated my fair share of beautiful women and while it may be thrilling for a while, especially when you're the envy of all your friends, a beauty without brains has never kept me mentally and physically stimulated in the long-term. I define intelligence as not just her knowledge of what's happening in the world or her college degree, but her ability to communicate with those around her and her 'street-smarts'. My ideal woman doesn't have to be Einstein but she should be able to hold her own in conversations with me and the world at large about a variety of subjects. I know that this type of woman exists -- I married one and have met many of her friends who are equally smart and funny.

INDEPENDENCE:While some men may be horrified at the inclusion of this quality, I believe that it is essential for women to be independent. By this, I mean that she should not be an adjunct of her man. I'm not meaning to score points here when I say that women should be able to do anything a man can do. I strongly believe that the modern man wants a woman who is unafraid of a challenge and is willing to make mistakes in pursuit of her goals. She shouldn't be reliant on her mate to make decisions for her and shouldn't have to ask for his approval. While I'm a great believer in seeking Kate's opinion and vice versa, we've always believed that a decision should be made by the one it affects the most - after taking into consideration the various advantages and pitfalls, of course.

SEXUAL SATISFACTION: Here's one I have in common with Kate. We’re one of those couples that constantly try to improve our relationship. We both believe that satisfaction should be mutual. We tend to agree with the Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey that says that 40% - 50% of couples feel they experience intimacy and sharing through sex. The sense of intimacy and sharing without a doubt helps in the continued success of our relationship.

SUPERIOR NURTURING SKILLS FOR THE FAMILY UNIT: The world may have changed dramatically and men along with it but let's face it, women still reign supreme at home. Because of this, I believe that men want women who are strong at work yet soft at home. I know that this may sound pretty old-school but I dare you to show me a man who doesn't want a great mother for his children, a nurse to clean their wounds and a problem-solver and comforter when the kids come home crying. As evolved as I am, I always knew that I would marry a woman that would be a great mother to our kids. Unlike the men of my father's generation, I help out at home as much as I can but Kate still bears the lion's share of caring for our child and home. And let’s face it guys, multi-tasking is just not in our genes.

Those, to me, are the qualities that most men look for in the ideal mate. I could go on and on - being tolerant of a man's need to 'disappear' when it's football season, secure enough to not always jump when a man's gaze happens to fall on a beautiful woman (after all, we’re just looking?) and understanding when he needs some space and time to hang out with his buddies, among other things.

Despite that, men are actually simple creatures and our wants are pretty basic. While we're not as much into analysing everything (the way women are!), I think most blokes would agree with my list. I've only got one thing to say to my fellow men - - grow up if you still want it all because that's never going to happen. The good news is that if you inject a dose of reality into your list of musthave qualities for the ideal woman, you will get lucky. I know I have (I do hope Kate will read this, it would earn me one of her ‘IOUs for more intimate moments’ vouchers!).

Communicating: Is Anyone Actually Listening?
By Kate & Peter

KATE: I don't think that there is any doubt that good communication is the key to the success of any relationship. Remember when I talked about what women really want? I said that communication is the ability to share your highs and lows with your loved one and I maintain that this is crucial to any relationship.

I've been lucky with Peter. Except for one or two major screw-ups, such as the vacuum cleaner episode, Peter is generally a great listener. Even that particular miscommunication was resolved in the end when he realised that he hadn't ''heard'’ what I was trying to tell him. I got a pair of diamond earrings as a result of that fiasco so it wasn't all bad!

I guess Peter's a bit of a ‘modern’ man. He's not afraid to discuss his problems with me. You know how some guys keep everything to themselves because they don't want to seem like a wimp? Peter's not like that because he's confident in his masculinity. I like the fact that we talk about everything and he's even broken down a time or two while telling me about what ails him. While I may not have been able to help him solve his problems, I think he has always felt better for having talked about it. The fact that he has trusted me with his deepest fears has drawn us closer together.

I think that sharing what's on your mind is crucial and I'm not just talking about the fabulous things that have happened or the routine of day-to-day life. I don't know why men bottle up their feelings in the hope that everything will work itself out. They don't even tell their close guy friends when something is troubling them! Keeping mum would be alright if there were no repercussions but in most cases, they noticeably brood and snap the head off anyone who dares to ask them what's wrong. I'm sure that this can't be too good for their mental health!

Women find this “putting on a brave front” thing hard to understand because we have this sisterhood thing with our friends. Ladies, you know what I mean, don't you? If something is troubling us, we tell our girlfriends and you can bet that they will rally around us, box of tissues in hand and their shoulders within close proximity so we can rest our heads there and howl in frustration. I've often wondered why guys are too proud to resort to this.

I know I sound like a sex therapist here (must be all the self-help books that I read!) but I also believe that great communication between a couple tends to spillover into the bedroom. Dr Rosie King, a sex therapist who was one of the investigators of the Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey that I've mentioned before, agrees with me! She says that when a couple fails to communicate, they experience misunderstandings, conflicts and withdrawals, all of which are not the basis of a good sexual relationship.

This may sound like I'm bragging but Peter and I have very few problems when it comes to bedroom discussions! I guess we're one of those couples that talk things through. Like I said earlier, it isn't as if we've never had misunderstandings but our relationship is too important to leave things to fester. As a result of this, while I can't say we've never gone to bed angry with each other, we've never waited too long to sort out our differences.

Our open channel of communication has made our sex life something to be proud of. We're open with each other and unafraid to express our wildest fantasies. It's made our sex life exciting, to say the least. After all, we're soul mates and surely you never need to hide anything from your life partner. I've heard so much about couples who don't communicate and it always saddens me. How lonely it must be to be with someone yet never know what they're thinking? I'd like to think that Peter and I have a solid marriage because we listen to each other at all times. I hope we always will.

PETER: Kate and I have had our share of miscommunication throughout the years but thankfully, it tends to be rare. Of course, it hasn't always been this way. In the early days of our relationship, I tended to listen more than I talked but she cured me of that malady.

I remember a time when I was facing tremendous financial difficulties because I'd bought a new car and didn't get the promotion that was supposed to help pay for my fancy set of wheels. I had begun to worry about the car being repossessed and added to that was the insecurity that came with wondering why I had been passed over for promotion. At that point in time, Kate and I had also been talking about getting married and I imagined myself in debt up to my eyeballs because of all the commitments that I had made. I sprouted the first of many grey hairs at that period of my life!

Despite sleepless nights, I couldn't bring myself to tell Kate -- it was pure machismo, I guess. Of course, she knew I was worried about something because I was withdrawn and practically mute but as hard as she tried, I wouldn't talk about what was bothering me. One day, amidst tears, she told me that she hated seeing me so miserable and told me that she felt that I was pushing her out of my life. At that moment, I felt as if someone had poured cold water over my head -- the last thing I wanted was to lose her. I told her about my financial difficulties and she was sympathetic and understanding. She didn't love me less because of my failings and I realised how lucky I was not to have lost her because of my reticence. She'd been thinking that I was withdrawn because I wanted out of the relationship and didn't know how to tell her. You see what not communicating can do?

I still get it wrong sometimes. I'm sure I don't have to remind you about the vacuum cleaner! That's the problem with guys -- we tend to want to talk more than listen to our partners. I've been accused of allowing my mind to wander when Kate's going on about the Montessori she wants to send our son to or when she complains about how fat she's become. I'd like to say that this isn't true but I'll have to admit that my mind does have a tendency to wander when she's going on about something. Hey, she does it too when I talk about cars or how well Manchester United is doing this season!

Despite that, we do talk and listen to each other when it comes to the big stuff. I know how much she values communication and I can see how it has been beneficial to our relationship. It's even helped our sex life. I never used to believe that anything would affect my sex drive (that's where we differ from women, I guess!) but great communication has made it even better! As Kate's favourite therapist Dr King puts it, a good relationship is the foundation stone for a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Because we talk and listen to each other, our marriage is a good one. It doesn't hurt that we're pretty vocal about what turns each other on either! Our constant verbalisation has led to mutual sexual satisfaction, that's for sure.

Marriage is no picnic. You have to work hard to keep the magic alive but one sure way to fuel the fires is to communicate with each other. Without communication, you may as well sound the death knell on your relationship.

Showing How Much You Love Them
By Kate & Peter

PETER: The funny thing about love is that you tend to take your loved one for granted.You forget to tell your girlfriend or wife how much she means to you and as time goes by, you become complacent. It's happened to Kate and me innumerable times and whether you believe it or not, it isn't always me that's in the wrong! Kate always tells me that when you love someone, you have an intimacy with them that can never be measured. She tells me that we should demonstrate our love for each other every day - even if it is through a simple gesture, a caring comment or even just a look that passes between us.

I'll have to admit that I think that she's right in this.We try to demonstrate our love for each other in many ways. I think that sometimes we have gotten our wires crossed - she still teases me about the vacuum cleaner that I got her for our last anniversary - but the important thing is that we try to make each other happy by showing how much the other is loved.

Take house-keeping, for instance. I hate helping around the house with a passion. It's a typical man thing, I guess. I could spend the entire weekend tinkering with the car or on the golf course but instead, I spend most of Saturday morning (if we haven't gone out partying the night before!) helping her with household chores. Kate can never let it go - she's a bit of a stickler for cleanliness! We potter around the garden together and I help to vacuum the house and such. If I'm good, she lets me play golf on Sunday! I've actually learnt to like it (ok, maybe that’s stretching it a bit too far!) - mainly because we work as a team - and Kate's great at trying to fit in with my passions too. There are times when she comes to the driving range with me although she can never see the point in it!

Then there's shopping. Kate can spend hours browsing in the children's department - comparing one feeding bottle with another. I cannot fathom what edge certain brands have over others but I know that Kate wants the best for our son and that's good enough for me. Of course, no shopping trip would be complete without a stop at the ladies' department. It can be mind-numbingly boring to wait while she tries on one outfit after another but I know she values my opinion so I do it, admittedly amidst grumbling on occasion. She only seems to try on yet another black dress or jacket for the office!

We're pretty good at showing how much we love each other in the bedroom, too.While great sex may not be the only indicator to a loving relationship, it's obviously an important vehicle in showing your loved one how much you care. I for one take great pains to make sure that each session counts as a mutually satisfying experience and I’m sure Kate does too.

It isn't always a bed of roses for us as a couple but the important thing is that we try. There are times when I want to howl in frustration when she's dithering over which dress to buy (like it really matters?) but then I think about how she booked a holiday for us at a golf resort for our anniversary and I re-consider. She hates golf and standing in the sun all day and yet she did that. If she could show me how much she loved me by doing that,what's a couple of hours waiting outside a changing room?

KATE: It's inevitable that relationships change. No matter how much you promise yourself that it will always be sunshine and roses, a little rain and possibly thunderstorms are bound to cloud the horizon. That's the nature of relationships, I guess. In the early days of our relationship, Peter would open the car door for me or hold my hand when we were crossing the road. I'll admit that it's harder to do now because he's either removing the baby from the car seat or I'm carrying him but I still miss those days of heady romance.

I've read a lot of relationship-enhancing books in my time - in fact, Peter's always teasing me about how often I quote excerpts from them. I suppose I do this because I believe that it is important to always work at your marriage or relationship. I've seen so many marriages fail because the couple in question began to take things for granted. I vowed that it would never happen to us.

It's the little things that count. Peter may find it sickening but I tell him everyday that I love him. He teases me by saying that it's sentimental drivel but on the occasional day when I don't, he never fails to ask me whether anything is wrong. Unlike me, he's not great at verbalising how he feels about me but he shows it in many ways. For instance, he's great at baby-sitting when I have to pull an all-nighter at work. He knows I don't like leaving the baby in the care of the maid too often so he steps in when he can. I'm lucky because Peter's not one of those dads that doesn't know how to change a diaper or give the baby a bath. He may whine about it but he does it.

There's another prime example of showing me how much he loves me.This happened when I sprained my back some time back and had to be confined to bed for a few days. Peter was the male version of Florence Nightingale - he brought me my dinner, gave me sponge baths and kept me company whenever he could. If I complained about the pain, he would reassure me that I would be better in a few days and until then; he said that I had him to order around! I have to say that the latter was my favourite part about being bedridden - I actually sent him out for Satay Kajang one rainy night and he went!

Peter has always been caring during our intimate moments together. He is one who is unselfish, gentle, and loving in his ways. The Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey says that less than 50% of men and women are very satisfied with their sex lives and we definitely fall into the category of less than 50%. While we wouldn’t want to boast about our trouble-free relationship, we could certainly share a thing or two about intimacy and sharing.

I guess that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is always ensuring that your spouse truly knows how much you love them. Demonstrating your love can take many forms but be sure you get the message across. Love is too precious a gift to lose simply because you've forgotten how to keep it alive or neglected to show your loved one how much you care. The alternative is so much worse - being alone and regretting the what-ifs' when it's much too late.

Our First Holiday Together - Coping With Each Other
By Kate

KATE: We've all heard it before - the importance of spending quality time with our other halves. It can be difficult to do because the business of living gets in the way. There's work (which takes up a huge chunk of our time), children and our own interests. Take me, for instance. I leave for work before eight in the morning and I seldom get back before 7pm. When I get home, I put on my 'mothering' robe - feed the baby, change his diapers and put him to sleep before tackling the housework.When Peter comes home, he's usually exhausted and wants nothing more than to sit in front of the TV with a beer can in hand.

Because of this, we value the importance of taking short breaks together. We've gone away on weekends several times in our relationship where we've done nothing but relax, catch up with all the gossip and essentially spend as much time together as we can. Remember my anniversary present for Peter - that weekend away at a golf resort? Sure he played golf (that was the 'gift' after all), but we also spent a lot of intimate time together, if you know what I mean!

As far as I'm concerned, weekend breaks don't really count as a real holiday. You only have one night away from real life and time tends to fly by. It's a great break from the norm of life but little can go wrong with each other because you haven't got enough time to get into a fight! The challenge comes in when you've managed to get a week or more away from work and decide to go on a holiday - in most cases, this can be a recipe for disaster especially if you've got different interests from your other half!

Peter and I took our first holiday away a year before the baby was born. We finally managed to synchronise our schedules and after intense discussion (and several disagreements!), we opted to go to Phuket. We figured we'd get the best of all possible worlds there - we both love the beach and water sports, he loves golf and I'd be able to check out a spa or two. Like I said, it wasn't easy to agree on where to go but we talked about it quite a bit before agreeing that Phuket would serve both our interests.

Despite that, we had the mother of all fights on the second day of our holiday! Peter's a bit laidback so he wasn't too pleased that I'd carefully planned a list of activities that we could do together on the trip. His theory was that we had taken a break from schedules and he didn't want to follow any programme, despite the work I'd put into planning it.You can imagine how upset I was when I woke him up early and he said that he'd rather sleep! When we went for breakfast that morning, we were in the midst of a cold war - you could have cut the tension between us with a knife.

As luck would have it, we met Diana and Edward, an English couple who were in Phuket to celebrate their tenth anniversary, that same morning at the beach. Peter had his nose in a book (probably because I wasn't talking to him), while I spent the morning enviously looking at the couples that couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other. It was while I was thinking that I would have loved to have up-turned Peter's deck chair that I spotted Diana and Edward. They were a little older than the other couples but it was obvious that they were madly in love. They came to sit just beside us and we soon got to talking. It certainly helped to ease the tension between Peter and I.

We got along like a house on fire and decided to have dinner and drinks together that evening. They were as loving as ever and I couldn't help but ask Diana the secret to her happy marriage. She actually laughed and told me that her marriage was like any other. She said that she had her share of disagreements with Edward but that after 10 years, they knew what was important to them - their love for each other and their children. When I told her about my tiff with Peter, she consoled me and said that marriage was all about compromise and that a couple didn't have to agree about everything as long as they shared similar priorities. She patted me on the back and said, "Don't sweat the small stuff, dear".

When I told her that I felt that it was important that we try to spend as much time as possible together on the holiday because we had such busy schedules in our 'regular' lives, Diana told me that it wasn't how much time we spent together that mattered. She told me that ensuring that the time we spent together was quality time was more important than spending endless but meaningless hours in each other's company. She frankly shared her experiences with me and told me that she used to kick up a fuss when Edward didn't seem keen to spend time with her because he was too busy pursuing his own interests. She said that over time, she had learnt to appreciate the differences between Edward and herself.

In the days we spent together after that evening, I realised that she practiced what she preached. Diana and Edward were not inseparable - he actually went golfing on two separate occasions with Peter - but when they were together, they made the time count. Diana didn't sulk when Edward was away from her. Instead, she went sight-seeing or shopping by herself. She told me that it was always important to ensure that you don't neglect your own passions. I'm sure her credit card bill would testify to how passionate she was about shopping!

We learnt a lot from them. Peter and I learnt compromise on that trip. He came out sight-seeing with me on a couple of occasions and we even had a couple of massages together! In return, I went golfing with him one afternoon and we jetskiied together - even if that wasn't high on my list of priorities of fun activities. Our joy at spending quality time together seemed to spill into the bedroom. Like I’ve said before, we both agree that sexual satisfaction is one of the keys to a great marriage!

Going on holiday together can be traumatic if you haven't made allowances for the fact that your partner may not want to be with you 24-7 - especially if you've planned a list of romantic twosome activities for the entire trip, be it roses strewn on the bed, candle-lit dinners or shopping excursions. I may have wanted to kill Peter on more than one occasion on our first holiday together but thanks to the advice of an old married couple, I learnt that quality is more important than quantity. At the end of the day, compromise is the key and the difference between a disaster waiting to happen or a holiday you'll look back fondly on for years to come.

Spicing It Up
By Kate & Peter

KATE: There's a famous saying that goes something like this - marriage is difficult enough without having to go into it with low expectations. Unfortunately, I think it's pretty clear that many couples have very low expectations of their marriage. They may not start out that way - in fact, they're just as wide-eyed and romantic about love and marriage as anyone else but after a while, the excitement fades and the marriage becomes boring, leading them to make very little effort in pleasing their partner or making them happy.

A less-than-exciting relationship between husband and wife often leads to uninspiring sex, something I see as the death knell to any marriage. It isn't as if I'm a sex maniac or anything but let's face it, sex is an important element in making any marriage a good one. It isn't important just to have sex - you have to make the act itself exciting. I think that a lot of men have affairs simply because their wives no longer make the effort to please them in bed. Instead, they stare at the ceiling, probably working on their shopping list and waiting for it to be all over so that they can get some sleep (assuming they agreed to it in the first place!).

I'm not saying that this gives the man license to stray but let’s face it, we need to do all we can to keep the chemistry sizzling (or to be fair, both partners need to do this).

According to the GBSS - approximately 60% of both Malaysian men and women feel it is important to please their partner and I make efforts to do this as well. I'm lucky that I have a partner who doesn't mind trying something new every once in a while. I'd be lying if I said we didn't have our boring and predictable moments in bed too, especially when either one or both of us are tired, but we always make sure that we compensate for it.

We try to do that by constantly surprising each other, at times subtle, other times, not so much. I guess the fact that we communicate constantly helps to a large extent. Having such a relationship with Peter has helped me open up a bit more. I can’t imagine saying or doing what I do today, 10 years ago. So unlike some of the ‘been there, done that’ couples, I can’t wait to go home to my hubby!

PETER: Any man worth his salt will tell you that sex is important to a relationship and we do believe that if your sex life is boring, you have serious problems.

The Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey revealed that 22 per cent of men in Malaysia want to improve their sex life and I'll have to say that I'm part of that percentage. Being part of this statistic, I have endeavored to educate myself in this area. I know we both want this to work so it’s by no means a one-man or a onewoman show. I do not want to fall into a rut, a problem that seems to have cursed a lot of married couples we know. So I do what I have to do (whatever it takes, man!) and Kate does the same too. She reads all these women's magazines that give you tips on how to improve a relationship and I'm certainly not complaining about it.

I remember one time when we had been invited to a friend's place to celebrate his birthday. We were sitting around the dinner table when she started whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I reciprocated and you can be sure that there was some serious flirting going on between us. Ironically, we were the most romantic duo in the group despite the fact that we were the only 'old-married couple' there that night (flirting is not the privilege of singles, we married folks love it too!). After all, why should fun and romance be confined to the courtship stage of a relationship? Anyway, we had a great time flirting with each other and when we got home that night, we had one of our most memorable evenings.

Kate likes things sweet and romantic - she often tells me that she wishes that I would initiate romance by lighting candles and filling the bed with rose petals but I think that she secretly enjoys the unexpected as well. I guess we've found a compromise - I give her romance (occasionally, admittedly) and she comes up with inventive suggestions that I'm more than willing to try.

All in all, I'll have to say that variety is the spice of life and with both partners wanting to make each other happy, I’m sure that this will only help improve our relationship. I'm not sure where our spicing up efforts will take us next but I'm pretty sure that it will be an adventure that we will mutually enjoy.

He Used To Buy Me Flowers, She Used To Be Spontaneous
By Kate & Peter

KATE: It's funny how things change when you're married. Somehow, nothing you do can prevent it. Peter and I try to keep the magic alive and more often than not, we're successful in ensuring that we have a healthy relationship. Sexually, I think that we have got the formula right. Remember how we told you about what we do to spice up our sex life so that it never gets boring? I think our compatibility and satisfaction is pretty much guaranteed in that department.

That isn't to say that we have the perfect marriage. We have our share of fights - some more serious than others and sadly, one of the things that we fight about is a mutual lack of spontaneity. You know, things that Peter used to do such as coming all the way to my office just to take me out for coffee or surprising me by taking me out for a romantic dinner. That never seems to happen anymore.

Back in the days when the relationship was still new, Peter would send flowers to the office or show up at my doorstep with a bouquet for no apparent reason. It didn't need to be my birthday or anything for him to make such a romantic gesture. Sometimes it would just be a bunch wrapped in newspaper that he'd picked up from the night market. Even though it didn't come in fancy packaging, I would be so touched. My girlfriends told me how lucky I was to have Peter in my life. None of them had ever met a man like Peter who had so much romance in his soul.

Peter would call me several times a day just to hear my voice and ask what I was doing. These days, he only calls to tell me he'll be late getting home from work or when he needs me to pick up shaving foam from the supermarket when I'm about to do our weekly grocery shopping! He used to open the car door for me and hold my hand when we were about to cross the street. These days, he walks straight to the driver's seat and crosses the road without even looking if I'm beside him.

Oh yes, times have certainly changed. Dr Rosie King, a sex therapist who was one of the investigators for the Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey, said in one of her books that when courtship moves to the marriage stage, we tend to lose our inner child - the part of us that enjoys simple things such as running together on a beach, teasing each other or kissing and cuddling not just as a prelude to sex. She says that when the adult part of the relationship begins, couples tend to forget their inner child. Like her, I believe that this is a great loss because Peter's inner child was a neverending source of passion. It certainly spilled over into our sex life and I miss the little romantic things that he no longer does.

Dr King also said that love is not an experience but an activity. This is certainly true and I wish Peter could see that one has to work hard to make the love last.

While, on balance, I have a good marriage, I've often regretted the fact that Peter no longer acts in the loving way he did during our courtship. I don't really think that this is asking for too much.

PETER: Kate always makes a fuss about how I no longer make grand romantic gestures to please her. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, she starts to moan about the good old days when I used to buy her flowers or come around to her office when I happened to be in the area.

She makes it seem as if I'm the only one who has changed. I have my list of grievances too. One of them is related to the fact that Kate is no longer as spontaneous as she used to be. In the old days, she'd suddenly come up with a plan on Saturday morning to head for the nearest beach. All I would have time for was to throw some clothes into a bag because she'd tell me that we were wasting valuable beach time.

That never happens anymore. We spend the weekends doing routine things like gardening, cleaning the house or buying groceries. When I've nostalgically suggested going away for the weekend, she looks at me as if I've lost my mind and begins a long speech about the things that we need to do.

I remember quoting her favourite Dr King to her one boring Saturday afternoon while we were immersed in our weekend chores. I told her that her favourite sex therapist had said that passion dies if there is no energy injected into a relationship through play or pleasurable shared experiences. If looks could kill, I would have been dead at that point!

Some of the other things that are missing in our present relationship are the silly moments - you know, her telling me a stupid joke, tickling me when I'm sprawled on the sofa or sitting with our arms around each other as we watch TV. These days, she's always got a book in hand which she immediately buries her nose into when a commercial break comes on. When I've complained about this, she says that it's the only time that she can catch up on her reading.

Like most men, I don't analyse everything to death but I do agree that we have to heed the voice of our inner child more often. I think that Kate should also acknowledge that I'm not the only one who has lost some of the magic in our relationship. It isn't fair that she always blames me when anything goes wrong with the relationship.

I know that I'm prepared to work on injecting a little more romance into our lives. In fact, I'm planning to send a bouquet of lilies to her office next week - and it isn't even her birthday or our anniversary. I guess Dr King was right when she said that romance means finding out what says 'I love you' to your partner and doing it. The flowers are a start. Let's hope she plans a spontaneous excursion for us in the near future. It would be like the good old days and I miss the 'fun' Kate quite a bit.

While we may sound like an embittered old couple, don't get us wrong. Kate and I love and value each other greatly. I guess we complain that we miss the spontaneity of our courtship only because we want some of that magic back. Imagine how great our marriage would be if we fused our inner child with our outer adult? That's certainly a thing worth striving for.

The Relationship Quiz
By Kate & Peter

PETER and KATE: Those still on the hunt for Mr. or Miss Right can attest to the fact that it is nigh on impossible to find the right partner - at least without kissing a few frogs along the way! If you've got a prettyclose-to-perfect candidate on the horizon or if you want to know if your marriage is a good one, the relationship quiz we've devised will help to shed some light on the matter. It will show you how good you are as a couple and if you really know and appreciate each other (Peter: Guys, Kate did not force me into this!).

• When my partner is having problems at work and comes home stressed and unhappy, I usually know the reasons for his/her unhappiness.
  #Yes. We believe that a problem halved is a problem solved so we talk to each other about everything as much as we can.
  #No. As if I don't have enough problems of my own!
  
  
• We all have dreams about what we would like to achieve in life - whether it's RM1 million in the bank or retirement at the age of 35. Do you know what your partner's life's aspirations are?
  #Yes. I encourage him/her to strive for his/her dreams.
  #No. I wouldn't want to encourage him/her to aim for the unattainable.
  
  
• Do you miss your partner when he/she is away on a business trip?
  #Yes. I miss him/her especially when he/she is away for a while and I think about him/her often.
  #No. I finally have a little space to breathe. He/She stifles me sometimes.
  
  
• Do you think that kissing and hugging as well as other forms of affection are important to a relationship even if it doesn't lead to sex?
  #Yes. I love giving him/her a hug or a peck of affection for no particular reason.
  #No. Hey, all roads lead to Rome. Why kiss and hug if you're not going to get horizontal?
  
  
• When you're talking about serious matters, does your partner take your views and opinions into consideration?
  #Yes. We discuss each other's problems all the time. Our lines of communication are always open, thank god.
  #No. My problems are my own and if he/she has any, I've certainly never heard about it.
  
  
• Are you one of those couples that work to maintain the passion in the relationship?
  #Yes. It doesn't matter how long we've been together, he/she still turns me on because we both work hard to keep the magic alive.
  #No.What passion? The only 'fire' in my life is the fiery glow of my diamond ring/ EPL matches!
  
  
• Would you surprise your partner with a special gift for no particular reason just to keep the romance alive?
  #Yes. I think it's important to always listen to my inner child because it adds excitement to our relationship.
  #No. Romance? That died soon after we got married.
  
  
• Does your partner appreciate the level of commitment you have displayed in your relationship?
  #Yes. He/She is as committed as I am and even if he/she doesn't do as much as I to demonstrate that commitment, I'd still work hard at the relationship.
  #No. He/She hardly notices me let alone knows how much I've put into the relationship.
  
  
• Sex may not be the most important element in a relationship but it is definitely in the top three. Are you satisfied with your sex life?
  #Yes.We're definitely above the Malaysian average of 3.5 times a week which the Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey revealed! This is because we have a rewarding and exciting sexual relationship.
  #No. After a while I just go through the motions to ensure that my partner doesn't go looking for 'it' elsewhere.
  
  
• Have you been intimate with your partner at least once in the last 2 weeks?
  #Yes. In fact, being intimate just once in two weeks sounds ridiculous to us.
  #No. What with the baby, work, chores etc, who has time to be intimate?
  
  
• Would you consider your relationship an equal one? Is there a lot of give and take?
  #Yes. We've learnt to respect each other through the years. It hasn't always been a picnic but we've learnt to compromise on things that we don't agree on.
  #No. Well, I give and he/she takes!
  
  
• When you have a crisis at work and have to do an allnighter, does your partner understand and try to lighten your load?
  #Yes. He/She brings me dinner and tells me not to worry about the children.
  #No. Are you kidding? He/She nags me and tells me to come home ASAP. You could say he/she adds to my stress level at critical times.
  
  
• Do you see marriage as a partnership that both sides have to work on at all times?
  #Yes.That's why we're always trying new things - in and out of bed - that will draw us closer together as a couple.
  #No. Who's got the time to work on the relationship? After all, the ring's already on the finger so why bother?
  
  
• When you are intimate with your husband/ wife, do you experience a sense of intimacy, a boost to your confidence as a couple and the strengthening of your relationship?
  #Yes, intimacy is just not about pleasure (or in some cases, lack thereof), it is about consistently cementing your commitment to one another.
  #Huh?What about procreation?

YOUR SCORE

10 or more 'Yes' answers: Congratulations. Your marriage is as solid as a rock. You have learnt to make it as a couple and have great respect and love for each other. In short, when they devised the term 'couple', you were exactly what they had in mind!

5 to 9 'Yes' answers: You don't have the perfect relationship, do you? Despite that, all is not lost because you have some strengths that you can build on. However, learn not to ignore the weaknesses because if you do, it may lead to the end of your relationship.

4 or less 'Yes' answers: The question for those in this category is 'Why are you still together?' If you still want the relationship to work despite your problems, it's time to work hard to improve it or seek professional help from a relationship expert. Good luck - you'll need it.

The 101's Of Marriage
By Kate & Peter

KATE: Relationships are a funny thing. You can never tell if it's going to go smoothly or if, after a while, it will hit rough spots that will make or break it. How wonderful it would be if, when you met a potential life-mate, you could gaze into a crystal ball to tell you what the outcome would be! You'd know if you're bound for a life of sunshine and roses or more pain and suffering that you could possibly endure.

Marriage is no picnic - ask anyone who's married if you don't believe me! Since Peter and I got hitched three years ago, we've had many fights that tested the limits of our love and commitment towards each other. Luckily, we've been able to work through them, mainly because we have learnt the art of compromise. Some of our fights have been trivial - such as the famous vacuum-cleaner-as-an-anniversary-present fiasco - but others have been pretty intense as they involved more serious matters such as jealousy or a lack of understanding about each other's priorities.

There have been times when I've wanted to throw in the towel and say, "Ok, I don't need this grief in my life," but ultimately, because we love each other, we've sat down and discussed what we've been fighting about and try to resolve the matter as amicably as we can.

I guess one of the keys to a successful marriage is the willingness to communicate with each other. Peter and I recognise its importance although it has taken trial and error to demonstrate how important it is. Peter is fine with sharing his joys but is a little tight-lipped when it comes to talking about his disappointments. We faced some difficulties a year ago when he didn't get the promotion he was hoping for. Instead of talking about it with me, he opted to suffer in silence - with a spill-over effect into our relationship, of course. Peter would come home moody and silent and when I nagged him to tell me what was wrong, he would insist that he was fine.

I suffer from an over-active imagination and of course I started to believe that he was distant because he was seeing someone else! My fears were compounded when he started losing interest in sex. After weeks of trying to prise it out of him (in which I'd had countless sleepless nights), he finally told me what had happened. Even though I was angry with him for shutting me out, the sight of Peter in tears made me take him in my arms to comfort and appease him.

Peter and I also see marriage as an evolving thing. Just because we found each other and fell in love doesn't mean we'll always be happy. Because of that, we're always working on ways to improve our relationship. We try not to take each other for granted and while we acknowledge our differences, we try to find similar points of interest. For instance, we both love live music and are always talking about music. When we get the chance, we leave the baby at my mother's (no, it doesn’t make you a bad person to take a time out. Besides, grandparents are crucial in your child’s life, but that’s another story altogether) and go out to watch a live band.

While sharing similar interests is important, it is also crucial to respect each other's differences. I may nag Peter occasionally about the amount of time he spends on a golf course but I understand that he is passionate about the game. Because of that, he knows that I won't kick up a fuss if he spends Saturdays on the greens. It doesn't work out too badly for me either. I take that time apart to catch up with my friends or go shopping. He may complain about the shopping expeditions but I know he prefers it that I do it then instead of him following me around one store after another! If you think that only women nag, you should hear Peter - he'd be worthy of the title Nag King!

PETER: It isn't only women that hope that their relationships will be plain sailing. Men do it too - even if we do not go into it with as much romantic detail as our wives do!

I'm lucky that I'm married to Kate. We've got a marriage that is, on balance, a good one. Sure, we have the occasional monster of a fight and I've been put into the dog house on more than one occasion but in most cases, we've resolved our conflicts quickly and smoothly.

When I first got married, my mother gave me a great piece of advice. She told me never to go to bed with unresolved issues on my mind. She advised me to always take Kate as my confidante because she was, after all, my life partner and that meant that there was nothing that I needed to hide from her. I've tried to heed her advice and it's been good for our relationship.

It's amazing what good advice old married couples can give. Remember the British couple we met in Phuket? We learnt a lot from them too. They taught us that a marriage built on a strong foundation of compromise, respect and understanding is the best kind. Whenever we get into the fighting mode, I remember how loving this couple was and I grit my teeth before calmly trying to sort out our latest argument (by the way, anyone who tells you that they don’t argue with their spouse, are either lying or living in la-la land!). I hope that Kate and I will be as loving with each other when we've reached our tenth anniversary - that's something we're both striving for.

It helps that Kate and I talk to each other all the time. I think that if you keep the communication channel with your partner open, you've already won half the battle. I have a lot of married friends who never seem to talk to their wives. They are always looking for ways to postpone the time that they have to go home. They tell me that they hang out in bars because they have nothing to say to their wives. Thankfully, Kate and I don't have this problem - we'd hate to be one of those silent couples you see dining in a restaurant. You know the old joke about how you can always tell when a couple have been married for a while because they don't talk to each other? It's horrifying how true that seems to be.

I hate to sound like a broken record but yes, I'm going to talk about the importance of a good sexual relationship again! There is no denying that sex is important. Look at the findings of the Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey if you don't believe me! The fact that people all around the world acknowledge that self esteem, confidence and intimacy play an important role in a sexual relationship, must count for something! Kate and I acknowledge the importance of a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship - which is why we're always looking at ways to spice it up. We both believe that pleasing our partner is as important as satisfying ourselves. Because of this, we make efforts to vary our intimate moments as much as we can. I guess you could say that a healthy dose of imagination has made our sex lives more exciting. I'm not saying that there isn't room for improvement, especially when we're both tired or stressed, but on the whole, we don't take each other for granted - in and out of bed.

That's it in a nutshell - the secret to a happy marriage. If you've got that, you're on the pathway to a long and happy life together.

KATE & PETER: Hey, no one said it was easy. But we take it one day at a time and it seems to be working, so it might for you too. Good luck and don’t forget to enjoy the intimacy!

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